Emotional Relationships. . .

I always seem to get lost in thought while im driving. today was no different, all the men i have had an emotional relationship with ran across my mind. I think Eric was first...he would always claim he was gonna come see me stayed up a few times and waited on him he never came. so i got tired of waiting so i cut him off. then there was...damn who was next...o there was the boy with the fucked up teeth LaVar or something like that.. left his ass along after i seen his teeth. then there was Tino i believe...i waited on him to come see me to...he was spose to move to Ohio to be closer to me. said he was gonna take a trip out here stay for a week....then one day he disappeared i didnt hear from him for months and he called out the blk...still does every once in a while. last time i talked to him he was tellin me how he wanted us to be together and how he would pay for me to come visit...that was a few months ago i havent heard from him since. now there's Justin the man i hate to love. the man i love to hate. I dont know what it is about that man that makes me melt. y i cant get him out my systems. the man had me at hello...and i sooooo wish that...that i didnt think about him...i think i loved him...in my mind i started to plan my life with him. in my mind i loved his kids and we had a house. and i was happy. for the first time in yrs i was happy. idk what it is about that man that makes me cream. idk what it is about that man that makes me what to submit to him and his needs....ughhhhhhhhhhh i jus dont kno i dont have any answers. sometimes at night i feel his lips kiss mine and i feel his warm breath aganist the nape of my neck. ive had wet dreams about him and..i cant seem to get away from him...in my mind he made me happy...in my mind i mad him happy we were happy together....for as long as GOD would allow. Sometimes i wonder if ill ever talk to him again but then i cant take the pain of his rejection....specially for a woman who doesnt deserve him, who has scarred him and broken his heart...

Feel like making love...

It's damn near 2am and he's fast asleep. my back is to him and i can feel his warm breath aganist my neck. His arms are around my waist and his hands cup mine. I have been laying here staring into blackness since we turned the lights off 45 minutes ago. I cant seem to drift off and i dont know y. My mind starts to take me places that leave the folds between my legs moist. I try to divert my attention but there is not much to focus on in a black room. I turn over to face him, his breathing shutters a little. i stick my hands down his boxer briefs to arouse him. I can tell by the pants in his breathing that he's beginning to wake up. "What are u doing?" he asks I respond "O nothing." with a sly grin across my face. "Doesn't feel like nothing to me." he says matter of factly. I just giggle a lil and kiss him slow and hard. His kisses taste to sweet, kinda like candied yams with lots of cinnamon, or wht chocolate chips, its just something i cant get enough of. I nudge him over on his back and straddle his waist. i cant seem to part my lips from his, im indulging on his bottom lip as he reaches for my gown that reads "Not Tonight" and attempts to pull it over my head. we have to part momentarily in order to complete this obstical. with my gown off he reaches for my breast with both hands and squeezes them enough to hear me moan. he plays with my nipples with his thumb and forefinger while i grind aganist his waist. In my mind i wonder y he still has on these damn boxers. so in between breaths i ask. His reply is to take them off which i do and i toss them on the floor. His warmth and my warmth egnight a fire only an organism will put out. i ease down on him slowly, this is the part i want to savior. He fills me up. it feels like no spot is left untouched. i begin to grind, slow at first. with each stride i hear myself humm. It's like sitting down at the table for a good home cooked meal and humming as u chew, just mmmm mmmmm good. His hands are holding my ass, so i know when it starts to get good to him because he starts to clinch my cheeks and dig with the tips of his fingers. I hear a rumble come from his chest. and my name escapes his lips. i feel a jolt come from my body as i pick up the pase. His rumbles become deeper and my name louder. This is encouragement for me to continue. I have a goal ahead, a climax to reach and at this point it looks as if we will reach it together. He begins to shake, a tell tell sign that he's almost there. I am too i can feel it. so i keep going. I hear myself yell o shit. as i reach my peak, i dont know where it came from, and i feel him explode inside of me simultaneously

For the rest of the night i lay on his chest. he gets the cover we rocked off the bed and covers us both. i have no problem sleeping now. in the words of Jill Scott im "funky sex happy" and exulted. Good night i say and kiss him one last time to get my suga high.....

Sugary and Sweet, Salty and Savory

Most nights i long for something sugary and sweet...a taste i cant get enough of, a feeling that i indulge in. a smell so tantalizing that im mesmerized by the thought. the memory alone can bring me back to that moment and in that time while the world sits and waits for me to regain conscientiousness i relive every moment of that salty and savory experience. i can remember how sweet his lips taste when i run my tongue across them, and i savor that taste till i can taste it again. i remember how strong his hands feel rubbing against my body. Those warm bubble baths he use to give and long hot oil massages after i'd been towel dried make me grin from ear to ear when i think of them.

There was something sweet and savory about that man... maybe it was his french vanilla skin or the way he smelled of old spice even after a long days work. maybe it was those hazel eyes id get lost in b4 i drifted off to sleep at night. what ever it was i wish i could bottle it up and save it for an eternity... or maybe jus until the next man comes along and fits the profile.

Sometimes i sit and i see him coming towards me. with every strong stride he comes closer and closer, and i squirm in my seat. eventually he's standing over me all 290 lbs of him with those strong arms, he lifts me out my seat and takes me away. im clueless to where im goin but the mere thought of bein with him keeps my questions at bay. i feel protected in his arms. there is a sense of security with him that ive never experienced with any other man. He carries me to his car and sits me in the passenger seat and blind folds me. i dont ask questions i jus go with the flow. he buckles me in and closes my door, hops in the driver's seat and we're off! im nosy so i attempt to remove the blind fold he grabs for my hands i giggle still he says nothing. He takes my left had and begins to suck on my fingers one by one starting with my index finger. i moan a lil then a lil more, the thought of removing the blind fold soon evaporates and the moans increase. i unbuckle my seat belt and feel for the bulge in this pants. i know its there it HAS to be. but he stops me grabs my had and moves it away. i wine a lil, he pulls away and again i reach for the bulge in between his legs. I unzip his pants careful not to harm this wonderful man tool of his. i cant see it but i sure ans hell can feel it and it feels so damn good. i stroke him up and down with my hands. i hear the rumble from his chest the rumble that tells me to keep goin so i do. first i lick him ever so gently, he shutters a lil, i lick more, he adds a moan to his shutter, i engulf his bulge into my mouth and go to work. i forget he's driving so when the car starts to swerve i ease up and work real slow. in and out, in and out his moans increase and the car stops. i can feel he that he is about to reach is peak so i stop and sit up, i grin a lil feeling some what acomplished, and kiss his lips. his lips taste so good that i suck his bottom lip untill he pulls away. "stop" he says, "ill be right back". i hear him pop the trunk and walk around to the back of the car. he grabs something and i hear the tunk close. i get nosey again and lift the blind fold. i see him walkin towards a beautiful beach with a huge blanket a basket and his back pack. i watch him lay out the blanket near the water he leaves the basket and his bag on oppisite corners of the blanket to insure it does not fly away, he takes his shoes off, and makes his way back to the car. by then the blind fold is back over my eyes and i act as i havent seen a thing. i hear a click which lets me know he's opening my door.
"have u been peeking?" he ask.
"no i havent."
"lies all lies"
"i swear i havent seen a thing"
He chuckles and instructs me to remove my pumps. I look up in his direction right eye brow raised and ask "are u serious, these are new painty hose" with no hesitation he slips his hands under my skirt and begins to remove my stockings slow and easy. his touch makes me moist and he knows it thats y he takes his thumb and rubs it across my clit. i ease down in the seat towards his hand and he pulls it away. he removes my stocking and throws then in the back (after he's smelled them.) he then takes me by the hand and helps me out the car while closing the door behind me. We stand in the sand bare foot, toes wiggling, he stands behind me, his hands interlocked with mine. i can feel the bulge in his pants again. .i arch my back and wiggle my ass against him until he pulls away. he instructs me to walk, "Straight ahead" he says "dont worry i got cha". I walk until i feel the blanket under my toes he ask "y did u stop" "i jus assumed that this was where i was suppose to stop" "no keep walkin". so i kept walkin until i was knee deep in water and he said "Stop" i turned towards him he took the blind fold off of my eyes and the first thing i saw was his infectious smile lookin back at me. He began to upbutton my blose, i unbuttoned his pants, he went for my skirt i went for his shirt. soon we were in the middle of the water necked as the sky is blue lost in the lust we called eachother.

With my legs straddles around his waist and he's man hood in my tight warm place we reached a point of exstiacy that we had never reached b4. in the water we were able to try things that gravity wouldnt allow and our inhibitions seemed to float away with the tides. it was like we'd reached love on a new plato.

As the sun began to set he carried me over the blanket and laid me down. as i laid on my side with my chin in my hand, I watched him and smiled while he picked up his bookbag and the basket he'd left on the blanket earlyer that day. i asked "what do u have in those" he replied "hummmm whould u like to know" he sat down beside me with his back to my stomach and began to open the basket. One by one he pulled out strawberries, whip cream, chocolate, and wine. I asked "what are those for? are u tryin to win more points?" he chuckes and lays them out in front of us. he then pulls more out his bookbag, an Off candle, his ipod and travel dock and a 4 pack of "D" batteries. "what else is in there mister i got everything covered?" i asked as he loaded the batteries into the dock and searched for the playlist he named after me on his ipod. "when its ment for u to know u'll find out what else is in my bag." "well excuse me MISTA. guess maybe i should step back and let u do ur thang huh?" "yea can u do that for me Ms. Kendra?" "sure if i can have a kiss?" "u can have a kiss. . " "with tongue?" "with tongue." He kissed me slow at first, i pured a lil cuz he tasted so sweet. then he went a lil harder, rolled me over on my back, and started to move down. when he reached the mounds on my chest he paid them extra close attention. he bit and licked and sucked and kissed my peaks one by one. It felt so good to have his undivided attention. i felt so special. he continued on his journy down my body with his tongue. He went down my stomach past my hips. jus as he got there he took a sniff and said "i'll be back soon." he continued down my right leg to my toes where he admired my fresh pedicure and sucked each one by one. then he made his journey back up my left leg and stopped as he got to my hips. with his hands he spread my legs as if he parted the red sea, with his thumbs and forefingers he parted my lips to reveal my pleasure zone. He blew a lil and i moaned. with hes tongue he danced circles around my spot i wiggled a lil then i wiggled a whole lot. I could tell he was gettin into it cuz he never came up for air, he jus licked and sucked and blew until i exploded then he stopped. He looked up at me and smiled, grabbed for his back pack and pulled out a sheet. We curled up in the night air and watch the sun touch the top of the water with the sound of Tamia's - Almost coming through the speaker of the ipod dock. . . . .How could my mind pull up incidents/Recall dates and times that never happened/How could we celebrate a love that's to late. . .I missed the times that we almost shared/I miss the love that was almost there/I miss the times that we use to kiss/At least in my dreams/Just let me take my time and reminisce/I miss the times that we never had/What happened to us we were almost there/Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had/Never almost had you. . .

"KENDRA!!" "hum, yea" when i regain conscientiousness im at work in the cash office counting down my till for the night, im sitting in my ever so famous work uniform which consist of a dingy yellow IKEA shirt my favorite work jeans and my brown and pink new balances. I have a wade of twenties in my had. i must of drifted away in the middle of counting which means imma have to start over. "u said u needed me to sign something" my manager Lesly asked, shes standin over me with a pen in her hand. "o yea damn, hold on" As i drop the money and fumble through papers in my float bag Rachel asks "dude what were u thinkin about? u have been sitting there with those twenties in ur hand for like the last 10 minuets stairing off into space" Lesly say's yea girl ive been callin ur name for the last 5 minuets." Damn really?"

doesn't apply to me

i have been having this internal fight with my spirituality for the last few yrs...I know that Jesus died for my sins and i believe that through God all things r possible. But i dont think it applies to me. idk y... sometimes it jus feels like my life has been the exception to the rule. Nothing i do is ever good enough, i keep running into brick walls, and most times i feel like i was robbed of decent life to be miserable. At this point i cant twist anyone's arm to get what i want and i cant throw a tantrum until i get my way. So my question is how do i move forward? How do i come through the rain to seem the sun? cuz it seems that the ran follows me where ever i go. i feel like im existing and not living. i feel like my heart isnt into living and i wanna find a way so that it can be. nothing but music seems to inspire me. my happiest moments are engulfed in a song right when i feel it deep in the pit of my soul and i get that tingling feeling that erupts from my body. I dont think i love anything as much as i love music. not even me. so why is it so hard for me to do what i love if i love it so much. if i live and breath it?...im afraid to be happy because at this point happiness is like a fairy tale. it only happens to other ppl. feeling fulfilled isnt something that i can accomplish. it like loosing weight it sounds good but i dont think it will ever happen.
Its like i have a mental block. i dont think i can b happy, i dont think that i can b loved, i dont think my dreams can come true i think that it sounds nice when ppl say it but it doesnt apply in my world...in my world ppl die and leave me alone and suck in the past.