Im not crazy in spite of. . .

Its ok for me to be who i am. There is nothing wrong with who i am. Broken pieces and all. And the more i learn that the less i want to fit into a box of other ppls expectations. Its ok that i never wanted to have a 9-5 or work in corporate america. Its also ok that im in awe of the creative process and would rather spend my time and energy creating then in a stuffy office at a computer. I am learning that i dont need anyone to except who i am but me. I dont need to be validated by anyone but me. Sometimes its kinda hard to except that I am surrounded by some of the most selfish ppl on the planet. But it is what it is right? There is nothing i can do to change it. Not even killing myself. Even tho sometimes that seems like a good option. Im fine. Im not crazy, a bit traumatized yes, but not crazy...

All i have wanted the last 12 yrs is for somebody to love me in spite of my stubbornness, my faults, my lack of drive, my weight, my. . .my everything. Its normal to yearn for love because it drives life. But it is not normal to stop living in order to find it. Lesson for today: Live and let love find u!

I think im gettin closer to my moment of clarity. . .

Disclaimer: I'M HIGH OFF VICODIN! so if anything doesnt make sense thats prolly y. . .

I started seeing a therapist last month because i needed to know if its me or them. I needed to know if how i feel regarding everything i endure is unreasonable. I also needed to know if im fighting for all the right reason. I have allowed ppl to make decisions for me for most of my life. What ever they thought was the best way to go was what i did. I'm tired of submitting to other ppls expectations of me. I'm tired of doing what other ppl think i should do instead of what i love. I'm tired of feeling like i have to please ppl in order for them not to throw me away like a rag doll. Ive been so scared to be me because i have been made to believe who i am isn't good enough. I have set in my mind that it is time for me to work towards being who i want to be instead of what ppl expect from me.

its gettin bad. . .

the sign of all signs that im sinking....i dont wanna take a shower so this morning i took it upon myself to seek some "help" i called u of m for a psych evaluation before all the pills in my apt end up in my stomach and it takes days for someone to realize what ive done...the fuckers at u of m told me they aren't in my network. . .wth u mean ur not in my network...i have a fucking PPO i dont have a "network" the lady on the phone had no answers for me all she could say is IDK Ma'am... smmfh so i called somebody outta Wayne State but i have to set up new patient intake i cant jus make an appointment to been seen. So i called Blue Cross to find out who the hell is actually in my network b4 i make an appt at all. At this point in sure the folks at wayne state arent. anywho i got the insurance company to email me a list of folks in this area who are in my network (which i still think is a crock of shit). The insurance company has a crisis line. When i called the lady asked me if i was in crisis...i told her i think ill make it through the night...think is the key word in that statement. I went to Walgreens to get my prescription of vicodin (es 750 for my back pain which im not led to believe is a side effect from the depression) and as i drove home it crossed my mind that i have enough pills in my possession to not wake up in the morning. Its funny to me how calm i become when i get to this point in my depression. how easy it is to say fuck it and swallow a whole bottle of pills and not have a care in the world. One might say im punking out i on the other hand think im making a classy exit. Hell no one gives a damn noway. why should i be the only person who cares? Maybe someone will finally feel guilty for all the hell they have put me through. Im too young for this shit damnit... im spose to be young care free and excited about life... instead i hate my existence. and as always music brings calmness amidst all the madness.

idk why i do this to myself

I try to deny it. . .i try to fight it. most times i try not to think about it. A few weeks ago i thought i was free from it. but i know im not when i cant look at another man and not think about him. its kinda crazy, well actually its completely crazy. im in love with a man who toys with my emotions, and never fails to break my heart. Sometimes i think if i jus told him how i felt then it would put an end to it all. Maybe if he knew i was head over heels in love with him and i adored him like no other man i have EVER come in contact with he would act right. But in the same thought i think maybe he'll think im stupid...maybe he'll think im crazy cuz i love him and we have never shared the same space. Maybe i am stupid...or naive to believe that him and i can be we. . .that a relationship like ours could even work.

My brain has always leads me down a clear path but my heart on the other had has lead me in to tornadoes, typhoons, and hurricanes. I am one but my heart and my brain never seem to agree on what i should do. ppl say follow ur heart but my heart leads on pure emotion...it never takes into account anything logical, my brain on the other had leads on pure logic. It analyzes everything even my heart. That alone makes it hard to follow my heart when my brain second guesses every decision my heart makes.

I say all of that to say sometimes i think im a helpless dreamer. I think that my ideals are this elaborate ass dream that i have imagined in my head for so long that i want them to be logical. I want to be able to tell the man i love that i love him and the logic in it not be questioned. Cuz its not logical to love a man u only know by keystrokes, and picture msgs. but then again there is nothing logical about love. I think Swizz Beats ex said it best when she said "being in love is a state of insanity"

The Master Plan. . .

So ive been toying with the idea of moving to TN with Vanessa...Honestly i think im dead set on moving cuz i cant afford to pay my student loans with what i make at IKEA alone. I havent found a reason to stay. Other then missing my Apt and coming home to quiet. O and there is the issue of Vanessa wanting to "mother" me and me not wanting to be "mothered". Contrary to what ppl (Mostly Ms. Vanessa) may say ive done damn good to make it this far with out loosing my fucking mind. Lets be honest, Ive seen things that would drive the average person off a cliff. So the fact that im not in a wht padded room playing with my lips is only by the grace of god with a lil of my stubbornness mixed in for good measure. But seriously it is time to close this chapter of my life. There is nothing here for me. Its time to go and do what i need to do for me so i can stop living paycheck to paycheck and dodging bill collectors! Plus they have a program at TN State that i have been searching for. a music/business program. Seems like the most perfect thing right? Fuse the two things i love the most into one degree and sing my way through the program. I can live with working in the business aspect of the music industry at least i think i can cuz it still puts me in the mist of it all. we will see how this all works up in the long run tho... i have put all my eggs in one carton b4 and ended up with a carton of busted eggs and no backups. thats how i ended up with my own place and a full time job. but anyhoo i need to be sleep...nii nii world

Dear God

Im 12 days from turning 25 and im still jus as confused about life as i was at 15. I use to think things got easier with age. I guess i thought with age came knowing but ive since learned that i know nothing. I barely know how to get by. I use to have these elaborate ass dreams for my life. I use to picture myself on stage (a skinny me) with my mama smiling back at me from the front row. Ha! that dream has since been shattered in every way possible. I think the hardest part about it all is wondering what if. The other day Corey told me i had a lot of hate in my heart. I prolly do because i hate my life and what it has become and i blame everyone who had a roll in destroying who i was for what i have become. in a sense i hate them. From my grandma on down there is a part of me that hates everyone who i feel stole me from myself. Death is apart of life and so is adjusting to death so i could of healed and moved on with the proper help. Instead i spent the ages of 14-18 wanting to die and attempting to make it happen and the ages of 18-25 searching for something to live for. Ppl say u have a choice in who u are. . . I dont agree. I havent had a choice in anything Thus far all the decisions in my life have been made for me. My voice has been taken from me along the way. How i felt about a situation didnt matter. I guess im stuck in that frame of mind.

The Concert...i think it changed my life. . .

Live instruments, live unaltered vocals, and a huge crowd, thats my vision for my world. . . I went to see Jill Scott and Maxwell preform live tonight and it made me realize that i live, breath, sleep and eat music. It keeps my heart beating, it brings me joy, and i live to sing...its therapy for me to share how i feel with my voice...Lawd plz direct my path and do with my voice what u will. . .i jus wanna b happy along the way. . .o and i wanna learn to write music too...i think thats it

Dear God . . .What Now?

I was driving today and i hit a bump in the road...i hit it every time i drive that way its kinda hard to miss but this time something under the hood popped then something started to drag. i pulled over got out and looked at the car its leaning a lil on the drivers side. The first thing i asked is dear god what now? I had a break down the other night. . .it happens every so often. . .sometime i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. that weight has the tendency to overwhelm me. makes me feel like nothing i want in life is obtainable. I admitted something during my break down that i dont think i ever have. God im mad at YOU. yep i admit it they say admittance is the first step in recovery right well im pissed. Im pissed that my mama told me nothing was gonna happen to her and she wasnt goin anywhere and then i had to watch her suffer and die. I dont know if im mad more at my mama for not following through with her word or u for taking her away. Im mad that i woke up a yr later and found my father leaning over his bed dead. My father was prolly the single person in this world who will ever understand how i feel and i dont even have him to help me through. Im mad that i was forced to live with my evil ass grandma. Im mad that my family is a group of dysfunctional idiots. Im mad that i was left to raise myself and i wasnt allowed to be a teenager. Im jus plain mad. I wanna know y? i wanna know what all of this is spose to prove? What am i spose to do with all of this pined up anger? how am i spose to see through the clouds when the rain wont clear? i feel like i am the single most misguided person on the planet. i feel like im a pile of potential with a broken spirit and lost dreams. But back to my car...God tell me what am i spose to do without it? Explain to me how much more i need on my plate? I guess the conclusion im spose to come to is its not my weight to carry? I shouldnt have to do it alone? Im broken, and i want to be fixed. i want to love like ive never been hurt, i want to live like i dont hate life, i want to experience life through new eyes. . .if thats my "what now" then God here i am...

gang banging on bacon

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A Dream Deferred....

My motto was "Dream BIG in 2010" thats how i stared off my yr. I had hope when the yr started. Hope is not something high on my list of things to have but i had it. I tend not to get my hopes up because i always seem to fall flat on my ass. But he made me hopeful. I was hoping more that my dark days were behind me. to me he represented the beginning of the end of an era that i would long love to forget. he was my piece of sunshine peeking through a gray sky of clouds. kinda like my night in shining armor. Sometimes i feel like im a glutton for punishment. Like i know whats coming so why even embark on this dummy mission? but i am who i am, and i have these ideals, the ideal man, ideal relationship, the ideal life that i think will cure my pain and make me a normal person again. so i went with it, i let my ideals override my better judgement and allowed him yet again into my heart. what usually last 2 weeks lasted from around thanksgiving through the beginning of march. so my hope had grown. grown into confidence. that i was his and he was mine and he and i made we. my heart was full of something i hadn't felt in yrs, Love. It doesnt take much to make me happy im a simple girl, all i need is love a lil attention and some affection and im as good and urs. so he had it in the bag. all he had next to do was except me flaws and all and i would have been puddy in his hands. But it is what it is. i havent heard from him in weeks, and sometimes i think i had something to do with that. i miss being happy and feeling close to him. i miss him...

Ex-Factor

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

I don't wanna start over. . .

maybe I'm over reacting. . .maybe I'm not thinking straight but ion wanna start over. I want him. my days feel incomplete without him.

I got chewed out by Monica on Twitter

I wish i could put this shit in Order but it would be kinda difficult but this was all triggered by my comment about the 99 grammys and the armband she use to wear to hide the tatt she got around the time the Boy is Mine came out...

MO:

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala I actually hid it because I was too young to have it. My first tat I snuck & got at a young age and it broke my mothers heart.

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala that's why I always say now tattooing is for adults only. Because it permanent . A woman. That tatted help me change my life MJB

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala so I could never agree that a person with tattoos is a bad influence. But I'm sure some feel otherwise .We simply agree2disagree

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala and they should say Monica is an adult. I'm 29 yrs old. When your parents say do what I say not as I do because I know what's

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala best for u that's real. Sweetheart I'm not myley Cyrus . It wouldn't make sense for a child to think they can do what I do and

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala I'm almost 30. My kids love souljaboy but I don't exspecting him to raise them it's MY job to teach what's right but again. We

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala can agree to disagree. We all have opinions love and even your pastor will eventually do something you won't like. That's life

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala and by the way I was a kid then. So it made sensethen but I do want u to know I respect your opinion as an individual

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala I understand. It's been a build up of people tweeting me judging random things. I appreciate what u just sent.

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala lol. I know the feeling

MonicaMyLife @MsKendrala deal

ME:

Watchin clips from the '99 Grammys. @monicamylife use 2 wear that armband 2 hide her tatt bcuz she dnt want 2 be a bad influence #foreverago

@MonicaMyLife I have tatts and i agree its an adult decision i only said that because i remember u stating back then that u covered yours

@MonicaMyLife to not influence a childs decision to get one

@MonicaMyLife i think the statement was something like i dont want kids tryin to get a tatt because they see me with one and when their

@MonicaMyLife parents tell them no they say well Monica has one

@MonicaMyLife So maybe my wording was wrong. I apologize if my statement offended you that was not my intention...

@MonicaMyLife the statement i was referring to was from back when u were wearing the armband. But maybe i have it wrong that was a long time

@MonicaMyLife ago. Like i said it wasn't my intention to offend u and if i did i apologize. I don't want you to think that my comment was

@MonicaMyLife to point u out as a bad influence. because thats def not the case if i thought u were a bad influence for ur tatts then i

@MonicaMyLife would be the pot calling the kettle black due to the fact that i have my own.

I'm mad i jus got chewed out by one of my FAV Artist about a misunderstanding...this 140 character limit jus pissed me off...

im sitting here stuck...

@MonicaMyLife I see what they say so i know u been on the defense. I jus hate this 140 character doesn't allow me to fully explain myself

@MonicaMyLife I kinda think u misinterpreted what i was tryin to say but lets jus drop it. & know i respect u as a person & as an artist

@MonicaMyLife More then i can explain in 140 characters. Ive been a fan since i was 9 and im almost 25 i jus wish i had this much of ur

@MonicaMyLife attention when i was tryin to find the cover you did of Angel by Anita Baker on that MTV movie