I asked God why...

I had concocted this big plan in my mind. I was gonna move to TN and sing my way through their Music Performance program. I would get a job and maybe even a gig singing some where to make some extra money. I applied to school...i got accepted, but im not going. Don't get me wrong i want to go. I ran around Wayne County trying to find my shot records, got a tetanus shot i damn sure didnt want, all to prepare for school. Hell i even agreed to live in the dorms (me at 26 living in the DORMS!). But it all fell apart when I wasnt awarded enough financial aid to live on campus and Vanessa refused to let me stay with her until i could get my life together. I feel like i had sight of my dream and then a brick wall slammed down in front of me blocking out all light and hope. Ive cried about it. Asked God why about it. There was a quiet lil voice that said to me its not time. That same quit lil voice that i heard when my father died, the one that always speaks the truth no matter how life shattering it is. I wanna know when will be the time? when will i get my chance at happiness? I did what i was spose to do. I decided i was tired of being miserable and i wanted something different. so i took it upon myself to make some changes. isnt that what ppl say u should do. if u dont like something change it? so why is it that all my hard work and effort was derailed? I dont get it, i swear i dont. It seems like the things that mean to most to me are the most unattainable. I feel like my life was set up for me to fail. I dont get the kind of support i need to do anything for real. Everything has been half assed since my parents died. Its like my life is the devils playground. I cant get shit accomplished that i want. Im tired, Im tired of living pay check to pay check, im tired of being a cashier, im tired of not living up to my potential. Im tired of asking God why. I know things happen in due time but damn when will my time be due?

Im not crazy in spite of. . .

Its ok for me to be who i am. There is nothing wrong with who i am. Broken pieces and all. And the more i learn that the less i want to fit into a box of other ppls expectations. Its ok that i never wanted to have a 9-5 or work in corporate america. Its also ok that im in awe of the creative process and would rather spend my time and energy creating then in a stuffy office at a computer. I am learning that i dont need anyone to except who i am but me. I dont need to be validated by anyone but me. Sometimes its kinda hard to except that I am surrounded by some of the most selfish ppl on the planet. But it is what it is right? There is nothing i can do to change it. Not even killing myself. Even tho sometimes that seems like a good option. Im fine. Im not crazy, a bit traumatized yes, but not crazy...

All i have wanted the last 12 yrs is for somebody to love me in spite of my stubbornness, my faults, my lack of drive, my weight, my. . .my everything. Its normal to yearn for love because it drives life. But it is not normal to stop living in order to find it. Lesson for today: Live and let love find u!

I think im gettin closer to my moment of clarity. . .

Disclaimer: I'M HIGH OFF VICODIN! so if anything doesnt make sense thats prolly y. . .

I started seeing a therapist last month because i needed to know if its me or them. I needed to know if how i feel regarding everything i endure is unreasonable. I also needed to know if im fighting for all the right reason. I have allowed ppl to make decisions for me for most of my life. What ever they thought was the best way to go was what i did. I'm tired of submitting to other ppls expectations of me. I'm tired of doing what other ppl think i should do instead of what i love. I'm tired of feeling like i have to please ppl in order for them not to throw me away like a rag doll. Ive been so scared to be me because i have been made to believe who i am isn't good enough. I have set in my mind that it is time for me to work towards being who i want to be instead of what ppl expect from me.

its gettin bad. . .

the sign of all signs that im sinking....i dont wanna take a shower so this morning i took it upon myself to seek some "help" i called u of m for a psych evaluation before all the pills in my apt end up in my stomach and it takes days for someone to realize what ive done...the fuckers at u of m told me they aren't in my network. . .wth u mean ur not in my network...i have a fucking PPO i dont have a "network" the lady on the phone had no answers for me all she could say is IDK Ma'am... smmfh so i called somebody outta Wayne State but i have to set up new patient intake i cant jus make an appointment to been seen. So i called Blue Cross to find out who the hell is actually in my network b4 i make an appt at all. At this point in sure the folks at wayne state arent. anywho i got the insurance company to email me a list of folks in this area who are in my network (which i still think is a crock of shit). The insurance company has a crisis line. When i called the lady asked me if i was in crisis...i told her i think ill make it through the night...think is the key word in that statement. I went to Walgreens to get my prescription of vicodin (es 750 for my back pain which im not led to believe is a side effect from the depression) and as i drove home it crossed my mind that i have enough pills in my possession to not wake up in the morning. Its funny to me how calm i become when i get to this point in my depression. how easy it is to say fuck it and swallow a whole bottle of pills and not have a care in the world. One might say im punking out i on the other hand think im making a classy exit. Hell no one gives a damn noway. why should i be the only person who cares? Maybe someone will finally feel guilty for all the hell they have put me through. Im too young for this shit damnit... im spose to be young care free and excited about life... instead i hate my existence. and as always music brings calmness amidst all the madness.

idk why i do this to myself

I try to deny it. . .i try to fight it. most times i try not to think about it. A few weeks ago i thought i was free from it. but i know im not when i cant look at another man and not think about him. its kinda crazy, well actually its completely crazy. im in love with a man who toys with my emotions, and never fails to break my heart. Sometimes i think if i jus told him how i felt then it would put an end to it all. Maybe if he knew i was head over heels in love with him and i adored him like no other man i have EVER come in contact with he would act right. But in the same thought i think maybe he'll think im stupid...maybe he'll think im crazy cuz i love him and we have never shared the same space. Maybe i am stupid...or naive to believe that him and i can be we. . .that a relationship like ours could even work.

My brain has always leads me down a clear path but my heart on the other had has lead me in to tornadoes, typhoons, and hurricanes. I am one but my heart and my brain never seem to agree on what i should do. ppl say follow ur heart but my heart leads on pure emotion...it never takes into account anything logical, my brain on the other had leads on pure logic. It analyzes everything even my heart. That alone makes it hard to follow my heart when my brain second guesses every decision my heart makes.

I say all of that to say sometimes i think im a helpless dreamer. I think that my ideals are this elaborate ass dream that i have imagined in my head for so long that i want them to be logical. I want to be able to tell the man i love that i love him and the logic in it not be questioned. Cuz its not logical to love a man u only know by keystrokes, and picture msgs. but then again there is nothing logical about love. I think Swizz Beats ex said it best when she said "being in love is a state of insanity"

The Master Plan. . .

So ive been toying with the idea of moving to TN with Vanessa...Honestly i think im dead set on moving cuz i cant afford to pay my student loans with what i make at IKEA alone. I havent found a reason to stay. Other then missing my Apt and coming home to quiet. O and there is the issue of Vanessa wanting to "mother" me and me not wanting to be "mothered". Contrary to what ppl (Mostly Ms. Vanessa) may say ive done damn good to make it this far with out loosing my fucking mind. Lets be honest, Ive seen things that would drive the average person off a cliff. So the fact that im not in a wht padded room playing with my lips is only by the grace of god with a lil of my stubbornness mixed in for good measure. But seriously it is time to close this chapter of my life. There is nothing here for me. Its time to go and do what i need to do for me so i can stop living paycheck to paycheck and dodging bill collectors! Plus they have a program at TN State that i have been searching for. a music/business program. Seems like the most perfect thing right? Fuse the two things i love the most into one degree and sing my way through the program. I can live with working in the business aspect of the music industry at least i think i can cuz it still puts me in the mist of it all. we will see how this all works up in the long run tho... i have put all my eggs in one carton b4 and ended up with a carton of busted eggs and no backups. thats how i ended up with my own place and a full time job. but anyhoo i need to be sleep...nii nii world

Dear God

Im 12 days from turning 25 and im still jus as confused about life as i was at 15. I use to think things got easier with age. I guess i thought with age came knowing but ive since learned that i know nothing. I barely know how to get by. I use to have these elaborate ass dreams for my life. I use to picture myself on stage (a skinny me) with my mama smiling back at me from the front row. Ha! that dream has since been shattered in every way possible. I think the hardest part about it all is wondering what if. The other day Corey told me i had a lot of hate in my heart. I prolly do because i hate my life and what it has become and i blame everyone who had a roll in destroying who i was for what i have become. in a sense i hate them. From my grandma on down there is a part of me that hates everyone who i feel stole me from myself. Death is apart of life and so is adjusting to death so i could of healed and moved on with the proper help. Instead i spent the ages of 14-18 wanting to die and attempting to make it happen and the ages of 18-25 searching for something to live for. Ppl say u have a choice in who u are. . . I dont agree. I havent had a choice in anything Thus far all the decisions in my life have been made for me. My voice has been taken from me along the way. How i felt about a situation didnt matter. I guess im stuck in that frame of mind.