A better me. . .

Fear: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of dangerb (1). b (1)an instance of this emotion(2). (2)a state marked by this emotion

Fear has stalled my life...from being afraid to move on, to being afraid to grow up, to being afraid of what ppl may think. i have allowed fear to rule over me and my actions. i need for the chains of fear to be broken. if imma stay afraid then i may as well crumble and die because as long as i allow fear to control me i will never live out my potential. I wish i could see me the way others see me. i wish i understood what they see. My image of myself has been tarnished by so many outside influences that i don't know what to believe any more.

Does this work?

Emotional Relationships. . .

I always seem to get lost in thought while im driving. today was no different, all the men i have had an emotional relationship with ran across my mind. I think Eric was first...he would always claim he was gonna come see me stayed up a few times and waited on him he never came. so i got tired of waiting so i cut him off. then there was...damn who was next...o there was the boy with the fucked up teeth LaVar or something like that.. left his ass along after i seen his teeth. then there was Tino i believe...i waited on him to come see me to...he was spose to move to Ohio to be closer to me. said he was gonna take a trip out here stay for a week....then one day he disappeared i didnt hear from him for months and he called out the blk...still does every once in a while. last time i talked to him he was tellin me how he wanted us to be together and how he would pay for me to come visit...that was a few months ago i havent heard from him since. now there's Justin the man i hate to love. the man i love to hate. I dont know what it is about that man that makes me melt. y i cant get him out my systems. the man had me at hello...and i sooooo wish that...that i didnt think about him...i think i loved him...in my mind i started to plan my life with him. in my mind i loved his kids and we had a house. and i was happy. for the first time in yrs i was happy. idk what it is about that man that makes me cream. idk what it is about that man that makes me what to submit to him and his needs....ughhhhhhhhhhh i jus dont kno i dont have any answers. sometimes at night i feel his lips kiss mine and i feel his warm breath aganist the nape of my neck. ive had wet dreams about him and..i cant seem to get away from him...in my mind he made me happy...in my mind i mad him happy we were happy together....for as long as GOD would allow. Sometimes i wonder if ill ever talk to him again but then i cant take the pain of his rejection....specially for a woman who doesnt deserve him, who has scarred him and broken his heart...

Feel like making love...

It's damn near 2am and he's fast asleep. my back is to him and i can feel his warm breath aganist my neck. His arms are around my waist and his hands cup mine. I have been laying here staring into blackness since we turned the lights off 45 minutes ago. I cant seem to drift off and i dont know y. My mind starts to take me places that leave the folds between my legs moist. I try to divert my attention but there is not much to focus on in a black room. I turn over to face him, his breathing shutters a little. i stick my hands down his boxer briefs to arouse him. I can tell by the pants in his breathing that he's beginning to wake up. "What are u doing?" he asks I respond "O nothing." with a sly grin across my face. "Doesn't feel like nothing to me." he says matter of factly. I just giggle a lil and kiss him slow and hard. His kisses taste to sweet, kinda like candied yams with lots of cinnamon, or wht chocolate chips, its just something i cant get enough of. I nudge him over on his back and straddle his waist. i cant seem to part my lips from his, im indulging on his bottom lip as he reaches for my gown that reads "Not Tonight" and attempts to pull it over my head. we have to part momentarily in order to complete this obstical. with my gown off he reaches for my breast with both hands and squeezes them enough to hear me moan. he plays with my nipples with his thumb and forefinger while i grind aganist his waist. In my mind i wonder y he still has on these damn boxers. so in between breaths i ask. His reply is to take them off which i do and i toss them on the floor. His warmth and my warmth egnight a fire only an organism will put out. i ease down on him slowly, this is the part i want to savior. He fills me up. it feels like no spot is left untouched. i begin to grind, slow at first. with each stride i hear myself humm. It's like sitting down at the table for a good home cooked meal and humming as u chew, just mmmm mmmmm good. His hands are holding my ass, so i know when it starts to get good to him because he starts to clinch my cheeks and dig with the tips of his fingers. I hear a rumble come from his chest. and my name escapes his lips. i feel a jolt come from my body as i pick up the pase. His rumbles become deeper and my name louder. This is encouragement for me to continue. I have a goal ahead, a climax to reach and at this point it looks as if we will reach it together. He begins to shake, a tell tell sign that he's almost there. I am too i can feel it. so i keep going. I hear myself yell o shit. as i reach my peak, i dont know where it came from, and i feel him explode inside of me simultaneously

For the rest of the night i lay on his chest. he gets the cover we rocked off the bed and covers us both. i have no problem sleeping now. in the words of Jill Scott im "funky sex happy" and exulted. Good night i say and kiss him one last time to get my suga high.....

Sugary and Sweet, Salty and Savory

Most nights i long for something sugary and sweet...a taste i cant get enough of, a feeling that i indulge in. a smell so tantalizing that im mesmerized by the thought. the memory alone can bring me back to that moment and in that time while the world sits and waits for me to regain conscientiousness i relive every moment of that salty and savory experience. i can remember how sweet his lips taste when i run my tongue across them, and i savor that taste till i can taste it again. i remember how strong his hands feel rubbing against my body. Those warm bubble baths he use to give and long hot oil massages after i'd been towel dried make me grin from ear to ear when i think of them.

There was something sweet and savory about that man... maybe it was his french vanilla skin or the way he smelled of old spice even after a long days work. maybe it was those hazel eyes id get lost in b4 i drifted off to sleep at night. what ever it was i wish i could bottle it up and save it for an eternity... or maybe jus until the next man comes along and fits the profile.

Sometimes i sit and i see him coming towards me. with every strong stride he comes closer and closer, and i squirm in my seat. eventually he's standing over me all 290 lbs of him with those strong arms, he lifts me out my seat and takes me away. im clueless to where im goin but the mere thought of bein with him keeps my questions at bay. i feel protected in his arms. there is a sense of security with him that ive never experienced with any other man. He carries me to his car and sits me in the passenger seat and blind folds me. i dont ask questions i jus go with the flow. he buckles me in and closes my door, hops in the driver's seat and we're off! im nosy so i attempt to remove the blind fold he grabs for my hands i giggle still he says nothing. He takes my left had and begins to suck on my fingers one by one starting with my index finger. i moan a lil then a lil more, the thought of removing the blind fold soon evaporates and the moans increase. i unbuckle my seat belt and feel for the bulge in this pants. i know its there it HAS to be. but he stops me grabs my had and moves it away. i wine a lil, he pulls away and again i reach for the bulge in between his legs. I unzip his pants careful not to harm this wonderful man tool of his. i cant see it but i sure ans hell can feel it and it feels so damn good. i stroke him up and down with my hands. i hear the rumble from his chest the rumble that tells me to keep goin so i do. first i lick him ever so gently, he shutters a lil, i lick more, he adds a moan to his shutter, i engulf his bulge into my mouth and go to work. i forget he's driving so when the car starts to swerve i ease up and work real slow. in and out, in and out his moans increase and the car stops. i can feel he that he is about to reach is peak so i stop and sit up, i grin a lil feeling some what acomplished, and kiss his lips. his lips taste so good that i suck his bottom lip untill he pulls away. "stop" he says, "ill be right back". i hear him pop the trunk and walk around to the back of the car. he grabs something and i hear the tunk close. i get nosey again and lift the blind fold. i see him walkin towards a beautiful beach with a huge blanket a basket and his back pack. i watch him lay out the blanket near the water he leaves the basket and his bag on oppisite corners of the blanket to insure it does not fly away, he takes his shoes off, and makes his way back to the car. by then the blind fold is back over my eyes and i act as i havent seen a thing. i hear a click which lets me know he's opening my door.
"have u been peeking?" he ask.
"no i havent."
"lies all lies"
"i swear i havent seen a thing"
He chuckles and instructs me to remove my pumps. I look up in his direction right eye brow raised and ask "are u serious, these are new painty hose" with no hesitation he slips his hands under my skirt and begins to remove my stockings slow and easy. his touch makes me moist and he knows it thats y he takes his thumb and rubs it across my clit. i ease down in the seat towards his hand and he pulls it away. he removes my stocking and throws then in the back (after he's smelled them.) he then takes me by the hand and helps me out the car while closing the door behind me. We stand in the sand bare foot, toes wiggling, he stands behind me, his hands interlocked with mine. i can feel the bulge in his pants again. .i arch my back and wiggle my ass against him until he pulls away. he instructs me to walk, "Straight ahead" he says "dont worry i got cha". I walk until i feel the blanket under my toes he ask "y did u stop" "i jus assumed that this was where i was suppose to stop" "no keep walkin". so i kept walkin until i was knee deep in water and he said "Stop" i turned towards him he took the blind fold off of my eyes and the first thing i saw was his infectious smile lookin back at me. He began to upbutton my blose, i unbuttoned his pants, he went for my skirt i went for his shirt. soon we were in the middle of the water necked as the sky is blue lost in the lust we called eachother.

With my legs straddles around his waist and he's man hood in my tight warm place we reached a point of exstiacy that we had never reached b4. in the water we were able to try things that gravity wouldnt allow and our inhibitions seemed to float away with the tides. it was like we'd reached love on a new plato.

As the sun began to set he carried me over the blanket and laid me down. as i laid on my side with my chin in my hand, I watched him and smiled while he picked up his bookbag and the basket he'd left on the blanket earlyer that day. i asked "what do u have in those" he replied "hummmm whould u like to know" he sat down beside me with his back to my stomach and began to open the basket. One by one he pulled out strawberries, whip cream, chocolate, and wine. I asked "what are those for? are u tryin to win more points?" he chuckes and lays them out in front of us. he then pulls more out his bookbag, an Off candle, his ipod and travel dock and a 4 pack of "D" batteries. "what else is in there mister i got everything covered?" i asked as he loaded the batteries into the dock and searched for the playlist he named after me on his ipod. "when its ment for u to know u'll find out what else is in my bag." "well excuse me MISTA. guess maybe i should step back and let u do ur thang huh?" "yea can u do that for me Ms. Kendra?" "sure if i can have a kiss?" "u can have a kiss. . " "with tongue?" "with tongue." He kissed me slow at first, i pured a lil cuz he tasted so sweet. then he went a lil harder, rolled me over on my back, and started to move down. when he reached the mounds on my chest he paid them extra close attention. he bit and licked and sucked and kissed my peaks one by one. It felt so good to have his undivided attention. i felt so special. he continued on his journy down my body with his tongue. He went down my stomach past my hips. jus as he got there he took a sniff and said "i'll be back soon." he continued down my right leg to my toes where he admired my fresh pedicure and sucked each one by one. then he made his journey back up my left leg and stopped as he got to my hips. with his hands he spread my legs as if he parted the red sea, with his thumbs and forefingers he parted my lips to reveal my pleasure zone. He blew a lil and i moaned. with hes tongue he danced circles around my spot i wiggled a lil then i wiggled a whole lot. I could tell he was gettin into it cuz he never came up for air, he jus licked and sucked and blew until i exploded then he stopped. He looked up at me and smiled, grabbed for his back pack and pulled out a sheet. We curled up in the night air and watch the sun touch the top of the water with the sound of Tamia's - Almost coming through the speaker of the ipod dock. . . . .How could my mind pull up incidents/Recall dates and times that never happened/How could we celebrate a love that's to late. . .I missed the times that we almost shared/I miss the love that was almost there/I miss the times that we use to kiss/At least in my dreams/Just let me take my time and reminisce/I miss the times that we never had/What happened to us we were almost there/Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had/Never almost had you. . .

"KENDRA!!" "hum, yea" when i regain conscientiousness im at work in the cash office counting down my till for the night, im sitting in my ever so famous work uniform which consist of a dingy yellow IKEA shirt my favorite work jeans and my brown and pink new balances. I have a wade of twenties in my had. i must of drifted away in the middle of counting which means imma have to start over. "u said u needed me to sign something" my manager Lesly asked, shes standin over me with a pen in her hand. "o yea damn, hold on" As i drop the money and fumble through papers in my float bag Rachel asks "dude what were u thinkin about? u have been sitting there with those twenties in ur hand for like the last 10 minuets stairing off into space" Lesly say's yea girl ive been callin ur name for the last 5 minuets." Damn really?"

doesn't apply to me

i have been having this internal fight with my spirituality for the last few yrs...I know that Jesus died for my sins and i believe that through God all things r possible. But i dont think it applies to me. idk y... sometimes it jus feels like my life has been the exception to the rule. Nothing i do is ever good enough, i keep running into brick walls, and most times i feel like i was robbed of decent life to be miserable. At this point i cant twist anyone's arm to get what i want and i cant throw a tantrum until i get my way. So my question is how do i move forward? How do i come through the rain to seem the sun? cuz it seems that the ran follows me where ever i go. i feel like im existing and not living. i feel like my heart isnt into living and i wanna find a way so that it can be. nothing but music seems to inspire me. my happiest moments are engulfed in a song right when i feel it deep in the pit of my soul and i get that tingling feeling that erupts from my body. I dont think i love anything as much as i love music. not even me. so why is it so hard for me to do what i love if i love it so much. if i live and breath it?...im afraid to be happy because at this point happiness is like a fairy tale. it only happens to other ppl. feeling fulfilled isnt something that i can accomplish. it like loosing weight it sounds good but i dont think it will ever happen.
Its like i have a mental block. i dont think i can b happy, i dont think that i can b loved, i dont think my dreams can come true i think that it sounds nice when ppl say it but it doesnt apply in my world...in my world ppl die and leave me alone and suck in the past.

There is no gettting over it u gotta come throught it. . . .

im sitting here watching an old ass episode of making the band and the girls are having a vocal session and Dawn...My nigga Dawn sings this hem and i look at her and i see me. Dawn was displaced after Katrina and the pain she relays through song i can relate to. everything i knew was stripped away from me. I cant go home. I had to start over. the house i lived in may still stand and my old neighborhood may still be in tact but i will never walk those streets again and i will never cross the threshold into that house. I will never see my parents again and the way i look at my family will forever be tainted because i have had to face all of this alone.

i remember the first time i watched this episode i immediately felt her pain and understood how hard it is to deal with that kinda pain and so instead of facing it u close off and keep it moving. It takes no effort at all to bottle up emotions and exist for the sake of existing. The real effort involves learning to love again and being happy even if being mad is easier. For the last 11 yrs i have been tryin to find ways to get over it (my pain) or to move past it but Aunk made a valid point "there is no getting over it u gotta come through it." so if i never face the hurt and the anger and the emptiness how will i ever come through it? if i dont acknowledge my emotions they will never be resolved I have been mad for so long. I have tried to place the blame of my unhappiness on everyone who has wronged me instead of owning my life and seeing that in that moment maybe they thought they were doing what was best. Im grown now. I am an adult so i see life through an adults eyes therefore i see things that i didnt see as a child. I use to think that some day someone would come into my life and make it all better. Life is not a fairy tale. Life is a work in progress. the question is how do i now take all the energy i have used being consumed buy my anger and focus it on something constructive? Music is my happy place so do i take all my energy and focus it into the one thing that makes me happy and hope that the happiness expands into other areas of my life?

Time does NOT heal wounds what you do with ur time does!!!~Rev. Run

infatuated

If Justin were still around this man wouldnt even be in the fore front of my mind. I know thats a big as "IF" but its the truth. i dont know what it is about him... today he said something to the extent of "u dont smile much do u" and im like u pay that much attention to my facial expressions. Y? smh... i need somebody to take my attention away from him. far far away so i can work and not feel like a lil skool girl...

Flirting or overly nice...

There is this guy at work that i think is flirting with me...but then again i think he's jus being overly nice. Dave seems to think that he's flirting and i need to flirt back but im not a flirt. and plus this boy kinds scares me...i find myself avoiding he's eyes... cuz im scared to find something there...Dont get me wrong the dude is cute...he's nice, polite...sometimes too polite...and manerable. I jus dont wanna think too far into something and end up looking stupid in the end. I woke up with this shit on my mind i went to sleep seeing him in my kitchen in his boxers cooking.. what type of shit is that? My question is God is what am i spose to take from this experience. I dont think im stable enough to deal with this...Cora says relax i say im fine i jus feel lame and wack and she says thats what i mean by relax. I feel wack and lame because i cant tell if he's flirting and because i dont know how to flirt or if i even should flirt back. im a spazz..and idk what to do or what to say or how to feel or respond to him....im jus a big ole mess.

I dont think I wanna wake up in the morning...

Im sitting here tryin to figure out how imma pay this and how imma do that...and its come to me that i dont wanna do it any more...i dont wanna wake up in the morning...i dont wanna live, i dont...i jus dont....there is no point to my mudane exsitance. i am jus here wasting space. there is no greatness to my life. there is nothing extraordinary about me or what i do or how i live. I struggle for nothing. i live for nothing. i am nothing...

To watch life slip away...(RIP MJ)

To live life takes a life time to loose life takes seconds. That is true no matter who you are. Sometimes you dont realize how quickly life can slip away until u see it right before your eyes. I've seen it. Time and time again I have seen it but i still manage to take it for granted. Today i watched the Memorial service for the GREATEST entertainer that ever did that damn thing. And i watched his daughter...his baby express her love for her daddy. the greatest daddy in the world she called him. I hurt for her. I hurt for her brothers. I know what it is like to wake up one day and not have a parent. I cant imagine having to deal with it under constant media screwtney. Parents are suspose to be a constant in your life. Though you are suspose to beary your parents you shouldnt have to as a child.

Watching that lil girl cry for her daddy opens a whole in my soul that i constently try to ignore. I felt her pain. her family unlike mine wont allow her to suffer with her pain alone.

Sometimes I want him here next to me. To the point that I can feel his hands rub my thighs and his warm breath behing my ear

::Makin a way outta no way::

RIP MJ

Tell the angels no, I dont wanna leave my baby alone I dont want nobody else to hold you Thats a chance Ill take Baby Ill stay, heaven can wait No, if the angels took me from this earth I would tell them bring me back to her Its a chance Ill take, maybe Ill stay Heaven can wait

Happiness. . .

Happiness is defined as: a state of well-being and contentment

I ask my self all the time what would make me happy? Nothing about my life rii now makes me wanna get up and face the day. I work to pay the bills/live, i eat to live but i dont live for anything. the only thing that has ever made me happy is music. I'm on this journey to find myself. to understand me...crazy thing is im scared to open up doors to all my hidden secrets...especially the shit i try to hide from myself. im afraid of what i may find. or not find. I know that i have a fear of failer and a fear of success. im afraid to die and not leave a legacy, im afraid to try and fail, im afraid to try and end up overwhelmed with more then i bargained for.

Sometimes I wonder why. . .why am I so alone...why can't I be happy? Jus why. . . Im a good person. . . A lil high strung sometimes but im a good person. But im alone. It baffles me. To the point that I sit n pounder my existence. . .I am strong but what does that mean? That nothing phases me? That nothing breaks my stride? Maybe one day ill understand...who knows



::Makin a way outta no way::

Alone. . .

so its 3:30 in the am and im sittig in the er alone. story of my life right? everything i do i seem to do alone. this story is starting to make me wonder whats the point. hell if imma b stuck like this for the rest of my life what do i have to look forward to? imma either end up an old maid with a house full of cats or in a wht padded room with a straight jacket... i wonder what my parents think. i wonder what all this is spose to teach me. they say everything happens for a reason. im outta reasons now. im outta justifications for the shit i go through.

I love him. . .

It's been 2 yrs and the shit jus wont go away. I dont know how to cut it off. sometimes i dont know if i want to. i guess his existance gives me hope. hope for what i believe i can have. in my mind i rearange my life so i can be apart of his. i embrace his children as my own.
he envades my dreams. i can feel him holding me in my sleep i can feel his warm breath aganist my cheek. I love him and it scares me. to be in love alone is to not be in love. so im stuck in my feelings scared to let go.