its gettin bad. . .

the sign of all signs that im sinking....i dont wanna take a shower so this morning i took it upon myself to seek some "help" i called u of m for a psych evaluation before all the pills in my apt end up in my stomach and it takes days for someone to realize what ive done...the fuckers at u of m told me they aren't in my network. . .wth u mean ur not in my network...i have a fucking PPO i dont have a "network" the lady on the phone had no answers for me all she could say is IDK Ma'am... smmfh so i called somebody outta Wayne State but i have to set up new patient intake i cant jus make an appointment to been seen. So i called Blue Cross to find out who the hell is actually in my network b4 i make an appt at all. At this point in sure the folks at wayne state arent. anywho i got the insurance company to email me a list of folks in this area who are in my network (which i still think is a crock of shit). The insurance company has a crisis line. When i called the lady asked me if i was in crisis...i told her i think ill make it through the night...think is the key word in that statement. I went to Walgreens to get my prescription of vicodin (es 750 for my back pain which im not led to believe is a side effect from the depression) and as i drove home it crossed my mind that i have enough pills in my possession to not wake up in the morning. Its funny to me how calm i become when i get to this point in my depression. how easy it is to say fuck it and swallow a whole bottle of pills and not have a care in the world. One might say im punking out i on the other hand think im making a classy exit. Hell no one gives a damn noway. why should i be the only person who cares? Maybe someone will finally feel guilty for all the hell they have put me through. Im too young for this shit damnit... im spose to be young care free and excited about life... instead i hate my existence. and as always music brings calmness amidst all the madness.

idk why i do this to myself

I try to deny it. . .i try to fight it. most times i try not to think about it. A few weeks ago i thought i was free from it. but i know im not when i cant look at another man and not think about him. its kinda crazy, well actually its completely crazy. im in love with a man who toys with my emotions, and never fails to break my heart. Sometimes i think if i jus told him how i felt then it would put an end to it all. Maybe if he knew i was head over heels in love with him and i adored him like no other man i have EVER come in contact with he would act right. But in the same thought i think maybe he'll think im stupid...maybe he'll think im crazy cuz i love him and we have never shared the same space. Maybe i am stupid...or naive to believe that him and i can be we. . .that a relationship like ours could even work.

My brain has always leads me down a clear path but my heart on the other had has lead me in to tornadoes, typhoons, and hurricanes. I am one but my heart and my brain never seem to agree on what i should do. ppl say follow ur heart but my heart leads on pure emotion...it never takes into account anything logical, my brain on the other had leads on pure logic. It analyzes everything even my heart. That alone makes it hard to follow my heart when my brain second guesses every decision my heart makes.

I say all of that to say sometimes i think im a helpless dreamer. I think that my ideals are this elaborate ass dream that i have imagined in my head for so long that i want them to be logical. I want to be able to tell the man i love that i love him and the logic in it not be questioned. Cuz its not logical to love a man u only know by keystrokes, and picture msgs. but then again there is nothing logical about love. I think Swizz Beats ex said it best when she said "being in love is a state of insanity"

The Master Plan. . .

So ive been toying with the idea of moving to TN with Vanessa...Honestly i think im dead set on moving cuz i cant afford to pay my student loans with what i make at IKEA alone. I havent found a reason to stay. Other then missing my Apt and coming home to quiet. O and there is the issue of Vanessa wanting to "mother" me and me not wanting to be "mothered". Contrary to what ppl (Mostly Ms. Vanessa) may say ive done damn good to make it this far with out loosing my fucking mind. Lets be honest, Ive seen things that would drive the average person off a cliff. So the fact that im not in a wht padded room playing with my lips is only by the grace of god with a lil of my stubbornness mixed in for good measure. But seriously it is time to close this chapter of my life. There is nothing here for me. Its time to go and do what i need to do for me so i can stop living paycheck to paycheck and dodging bill collectors! Plus they have a program at TN State that i have been searching for. a music/business program. Seems like the most perfect thing right? Fuse the two things i love the most into one degree and sing my way through the program. I can live with working in the business aspect of the music industry at least i think i can cuz it still puts me in the mist of it all. we will see how this all works up in the long run tho... i have put all my eggs in one carton b4 and ended up with a carton of busted eggs and no backups. thats how i ended up with my own place and a full time job. but anyhoo i need to be sleep...nii nii world