doesn't apply to me

i have been having this internal fight with my spirituality for the last few yrs...I know that Jesus died for my sins and i believe that through God all things r possible. But i dont think it applies to me. idk y... sometimes it jus feels like my life has been the exception to the rule. Nothing i do is ever good enough, i keep running into brick walls, and most times i feel like i was robbed of decent life to be miserable. At this point i cant twist anyone's arm to get what i want and i cant throw a tantrum until i get my way. So my question is how do i move forward? How do i come through the rain to seem the sun? cuz it seems that the ran follows me where ever i go. i feel like im existing and not living. i feel like my heart isnt into living and i wanna find a way so that it can be. nothing but music seems to inspire me. my happiest moments are engulfed in a song right when i feel it deep in the pit of my soul and i get that tingling feeling that erupts from my body. I dont think i love anything as much as i love music. not even me. so why is it so hard for me to do what i love if i love it so much. if i live and breath it?...im afraid to be happy because at this point happiness is like a fairy tale. it only happens to other ppl. feeling fulfilled isnt something that i can accomplish. it like loosing weight it sounds good but i dont think it will ever happen.
Its like i have a mental block. i dont think i can b happy, i dont think that i can b loved, i dont think my dreams can come true i think that it sounds nice when ppl say it but it doesnt apply in my world...in my world ppl die and leave me alone and suck in the past.