Dear God

Im 12 days from turning 25 and im still jus as confused about life as i was at 15. I use to think things got easier with age. I guess i thought with age came knowing but ive since learned that i know nothing. I barely know how to get by. I use to have these elaborate ass dreams for my life. I use to picture myself on stage (a skinny me) with my mama smiling back at me from the front row. Ha! that dream has since been shattered in every way possible. I think the hardest part about it all is wondering what if. The other day Corey told me i had a lot of hate in my heart. I prolly do because i hate my life and what it has become and i blame everyone who had a roll in destroying who i was for what i have become. in a sense i hate them. From my grandma on down there is a part of me that hates everyone who i feel stole me from myself. Death is apart of life and so is adjusting to death so i could of healed and moved on with the proper help. Instead i spent the ages of 14-18 wanting to die and attempting to make it happen and the ages of 18-25 searching for something to live for. Ppl say u have a choice in who u are. . . I dont agree. I havent had a choice in anything Thus far all the decisions in my life have been made for me. My voice has been taken from me along the way. How i felt about a situation didnt matter. I guess im stuck in that frame of mind.