I asked God why...

I had concocted this big plan in my mind. I was gonna move to TN and sing my way through their Music Performance program. I would get a job and maybe even a gig singing some where to make some extra money. I applied to school...i got accepted, but im not going. Don't get me wrong i want to go. I ran around Wayne County trying to find my shot records, got a tetanus shot i damn sure didnt want, all to prepare for school. Hell i even agreed to live in the dorms (me at 26 living in the DORMS!). But it all fell apart when I wasnt awarded enough financial aid to live on campus and Vanessa refused to let me stay with her until i could get my life together. I feel like i had sight of my dream and then a brick wall slammed down in front of me blocking out all light and hope. Ive cried about it. Asked God why about it. There was a quiet lil voice that said to me its not time. That same quit lil voice that i heard when my father died, the one that always speaks the truth no matter how life shattering it is. I wanna know when will be the time? when will i get my chance at happiness? I did what i was spose to do. I decided i was tired of being miserable and i wanted something different. so i took it upon myself to make some changes. isnt that what ppl say u should do. if u dont like something change it? so why is it that all my hard work and effort was derailed? I dont get it, i swear i dont. It seems like the things that mean to most to me are the most unattainable. I feel like my life was set up for me to fail. I dont get the kind of support i need to do anything for real. Everything has been half assed since my parents died. Its like my life is the devils playground. I cant get shit accomplished that i want. Im tired, Im tired of living pay check to pay check, im tired of being a cashier, im tired of not living up to my potential. Im tired of asking God why. I know things happen in due time but damn when will my time be due?