its gettin bad. . .

the sign of all signs that im sinking....i dont wanna take a shower so this morning i took it upon myself to seek some "help" i called u of m for a psych evaluation before all the pills in my apt end up in my stomach and it takes days for someone to realize what ive done...the fuckers at u of m told me they aren't in my network. . .wth u mean ur not in my network...i have a fucking PPO i dont have a "network" the lady on the phone had no answers for me all she could say is IDK Ma'am... smmfh so i called somebody outta Wayne State but i have to set up new patient intake i cant jus make an appointment to been seen. So i called Blue Cross to find out who the hell is actually in my network b4 i make an appt at all. At this point in sure the folks at wayne state arent. anywho i got the insurance company to email me a list of folks in this area who are in my network (which i still think is a crock of shit). The insurance company has a crisis line. When i called the lady asked me if i was in crisis...i told her i think ill make it through the night...think is the key word in that statement. I went to Walgreens to get my prescription of vicodin (es 750 for my back pain which im not led to believe is a side effect from the depression) and as i drove home it crossed my mind that i have enough pills in my possession to not wake up in the morning. Its funny to me how calm i become when i get to this point in my depression. how easy it is to say fuck it and swallow a whole bottle of pills and not have a care in the world. One might say im punking out i on the other hand think im making a classy exit. Hell no one gives a damn noway. why should i be the only person who cares? Maybe someone will finally feel guilty for all the hell they have put me through. Im too young for this shit damnit... im spose to be young care free and excited about life... instead i hate my existence. and as always music brings calmness amidst all the madness.